Tom Green At Arlington Cinema & Drafthouse

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to see the Canadian comedian, Tom Green perform stand-up. It was pretty memorable especially since when I was in middle school I used to idolize the celebrity-comedian. During the event, I copied down some of my favorite of his material. Enjoy…

“Hockey in Canada is like religion and guns in the United States.”

[Asking audience members where they work…] “General Service Administration- is that the administration that doesn’t have a more descriptive name for what they do?”

“Nobody gives a f*ck when you say you’re 24.”

“You can’t die young when you’re 44. You can’t die young when you’re old!”

“Laugh harder! You’re sitting too close!”

“When I say ‘Chicken’, you say, ‘Sandwich.’ Chicken!” [“Sandwich!”] “Oh ok, we’re still having fun.”

“We’re in a world where you can post a suicide note to Facebook, drink antifreeze, and get 28 likes before the poison kicks in. At least you know you’re making the right decision.”

“I went to The Container Store to buy a box. At the checkout, I was asked if I wanted a bag for my box. I asked if it was free and it was. I don’t need a bag for my box, so I just walked out with the bag. I just need something to put things in!”

[After trying to tell the same joke four times…] “UNLEASH THE FURY!!! Yeah, f*ck it.”

“The four million dollar cancer machine can see through your clothes but not your shoes.” [About how hypocritical airport security is.]

[And then when a lady in the audience in the front row got up to walk to the back in the middle of the set…]
“It’s poo poo time. It’s poo poo time.
“It’s poo poo time. It’s poo poo time.
Time to take a poop. Time to take a poop.
Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo.”
[And then he made the whole audience practice this song and “GET IT RIGHT!” so that we could sing it to the lady when she got back… only, we were still practicing it as she walked back to her seat, ruining Tom Green’s plan.]

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